today....
i will undo the past with a single swipe
a single shot gun blast
a hand full of pills
a leap in front of a locomotive
today....
i will play victim to all the tragedies
like her failed abortion attempt
her last embrace
a final ambulance ride
today....
i will rehearse my neighbor violating me in the closet
i was only eight yrs old
all my love envelpoed in a 15 old girls timid hand
i will scratch out my eyes,
they are the window into my train wreck soul
today....
i am reminded about one of my relatives raping me
waking up without clothes on
naked and cold
quickly washing up before someone notices
today....
57 sleeping pills
a fifth of vodka
3 razor blades
1/2 gallon of kerosine
two books of matches....
4.14.05
i am so tired
of letting you take me
shoving the hindsight
into my forethoughts
of regretable wedding days
or boys i should have been more ture to
i want so much of anything
but not this lot
i have to hold hands with
men acting like boys
i have to be here
with a lover who can't love
this is not mine
i am not who i am
why do green boys feel so much?
and why do i cry wolf when i look into the mirror
there was a day
when i knew of a better way
like when you would hold my purse
while i out on my lipstick
4.9.05
you've had a hard life
like one of the jackson kids
yr father pushed you too hard
and yr mother was never there
and with my days of killing
and my nights of being reborn
i know of the cold places
that kiss my hold-out heart
secrets that stay safe
and wishes that will only be so
i'll cry to myself
and listen to freight trains passing
lets keep memories close
like dad holding the revolver
close to moms head
if the demons of yesterday
will count all my sins
then we know of no truth
except the payment of regret
and all i have are my anythings
yr never being or letting
and i am sick to see this be so unevolved.
4.4.05
one by one
the kisses came after the caket was lowered
black cardigans and white corsages
suits with off white button downs
my brother holding his head in his hands
i raised my knees to my face
dug my teeth into the fleshiest part of my knee
the distance around the soul
of the passing and the after-lifeing
so i put my hands together
and fell to the ground
the congregation swarmed and embraced my torn skirt
if i new of a hope
one less likely or true
more like prat-falling on swords
i promised yr sister i'd be an easy chair
i promised myself i'd stay 'til she died
we need to keep secrets
mom should have died so long ago
glad she's finally gone.
4.16.05(3.7.05)
i am a human-car-pile-up
a train-wreck
botched abortion
a victim with no perpetrator
when they cut the flesh out of the mother
they only tore my everything
unforgivable
made out of shit
carved out of devil's asshole
holding my arms
with my prettiness running off my tree branch arms
into the swirling bathtub
i have been here before
a sons final words. 3.4.05-3.7.05
father forgive me
this is not so hard to do
i'm sorry for things you did
but i'm not one to hold you to
father forgive me
i'm killing myself with words and memories
sort of heard what you said under yr breath when you coughed
mother forgive me
i'll be home for spring time
i am sorry we can't share
a bed anymore
mother forgive me
i don't believe you had to kill her
even if i did all those things too
but then again i am not one to hold you to.
