And everything was too much of something I thought we had in mind
and sisters with no brothers and mothers with no children
I have some sickness that takes on the character of past lives and heartless fathers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The contented heart lies wasteful with baited breath
pretending to care for kids like me
with two many memorized lines
cliches of the forked tongue
and routines of the soul that end in plagiarized care
well I have had my days of careless care from people like you
who abuse with apathy and unfulfilled promises
I know too much of cradling the remains of broken legs and sutured knuckles
hospital gowns and party dresses that reveal way more than flesh
I have my gaze fixed on last moments and watered flowers
I will not cast stones or lay bricks to fractured foundations
for these days will be never, and always it seems
and I will be neither here nor there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6.8.2005 7:03am
and my eyes wide and silvery
glazed and hued in the shade of yr smile
i have my faith in failed fathers and female versions of myself
my sacredness is the shame of yr departure
yr sickness was my portion
to share with half-hearts and hold-on-to-sleeves
i take short glances at the skirt hanging in yr closet
when you leave me, it will be the first to be packed away
for vampires that have drained my wrists
with false apertures and sutured kisses
stay-un-to-gether-ness
so many girls with my baby teeth and i want you back
anyone back,
anyone to remind of the things i can't remind myself,
i can't do this by myself...
6.8.05 7:10am
my kites and sad sea gulls
waved in the park
ouside to yr mom
we had to go to the lightpost
hands are held
hands are held
we should take slower steps
we should take our time
sun shone down on the prairie
we laughed about days
this swing will come back to you
faint of heart, kissing
embraced and held
embraced and held
we should keep this quiet
we should take our time
porch and homemade ice cream
slouched on the banister
save my spot next to you
we shall keep these days
quietly and held
quietly and held
we should be in love
we should take our time
6.8.2005 7:17am(yr anniversary)
this day should have been shared
with the one who set out to love you the most
but maybe it is better to be on the west coast
i don't have too many loyalties
that i don't hold closer than money
and yr the one i will break skin
to show you were never broken
yr lover hides words in his head
expects you to feel unexpressed love
how many times with empty hands
will you bury this ghost?
this clock accounts for murdered moments
please don't take these days to the grave
paper-cut love, was never meant to last
when you pick up carefully
and it gives you only a perfortaion
but the pain seems to show more on yr face
than on yr finger tip.
.
6.8.2005 7:28am
was it you, i thought
who knows about god and her ways
like power lines
and black licorice
i hate to save face
i'd kill myself to prove my pride
these days have harbored hold-away-ness
and saved moments
i make shoe boxes with polaroids
and bad poetry.
i miss you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6.9.05 2:37pm
We all need some failed love
like a sentence needs to be read
or a mother needs a daughter
I wade in sunshined silenced moments
after comes my heart, piter pater
looking for a necessary one. I’m far below the worst of
and with this hand I thee deceive
playing easy to get, insert the sky above
I lack so much so little hands
re-apertures and re-disclosures
my safety is in yr hands
I will not take responsibility for me
I am too tired
and this is no ones fault
just gods.
6.9.05
place my hands on yr hands
take my bruised wrist and skin me
take swollen cheek and marble yr eyes
with a word about love
with a word about tree branches
place yr hips backside against mine
take my silly lips purse yrs aligned
take four fingers spread apart
with a word about apologies
with a word about seven secrets
this light is warm, like a knife
this conversation is over.
Climbing out of the backseat
no more suddenness
more malice and charades.
Engage/disengage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6.9.05 6:10pm
Remembering wanting more than you
and settling for another word that replaced care
waiting was never hard when I had a lock of yr hair
but with seasons changing, and yr hair fading
I can’t recall yr beauty
when I lived my life for yours and with out gain
I felt the worries give away the ways I hated
and this un-remembering is taking a life-time
I cry too many days away
wanting to puddle jump thru these moments
knowing I need someone to do this with
wanting to climb that tree in my back yard
knowing I will look crazy if I do it on my own
I hate this time, I hate this time, I want to stop
just let me get to the part where the pain ends.
6.9.05 6:14pm
I gave you my hand to yr hand
pulled you up this little haunt
and wisped yr eyes with my hair
fell thru in the ways you knew
and that proved yr mouth lovely
when a master needs a servant
I fill the place of their needs
I will do all I can to destroy yr words
I will do my best to destroy yr departure
we all have someone to kill
we all have to leave someone behind
I will be yr someone.
