4.12.06
A working heart
Made of youth and simple times
Shined on with a weeping.
Made with pale white faces and torn broken shoelaces.
Tied together with a sick satisfaction.
You last like a knife gone deep.
In sin and home
Made of father’s scuffed knees
Imperfectly and made of plastic needs.
A suction sold
On taking impurities
Made with a forest of family trees,
Shady peeks covering all of us.
Clocks and calendars
Mark the days
Tells me exactly how many ways I’ve hated you
For making me wonder aloud,
“why do I even try?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Crying angels, sick as a dog
Hidden like a prayer
From a girl with helpless hands
Holding a source of pain
Both real and fantasy
Both of you and of me.
Take down the old decorations
And uncelebrate this moment.
With pulled sleeves and tattooed wrists
Kissed pillows and grocery lists,
I’m taking notes
With shaking hands.
Diary scratches,
made of wounds that stay like a mothered memory.
A handled tightly word you gave me
On this yellow paper
Tells of promises that mean a lot to me
When you are quiet
And they echo inside of me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I cannot embrace
A folded memory
A word inside of you
You’ve hidden away
A kiss that holds you at a distance.
A sutured heart
Stitched together by phone calls and Vaseline.
The checks and balances
Of cuts and bruises
Is that pain is barely a part
Of why you hurt.
When your boyfriend slapped you.
When your mother left you.
The surprise of tragedy
Hits like a tumbling tower.
How many scars you’ve collected
To show the world
Your more than a sum of your broken parts.
And how your collection of sickness
Has fastened you to this death.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A broken nose
A chalky splintered taste
Shards of alabaster in yr mouth,
On yr tongue.
Face up against the wall.
Father figures, mom’s third or fourth.
No one knows
The pain inside a 12 year old girl
Plagued with doubts of gods and their followers.
Told to be quiet
As someone sick spoke eloquent with actions
And violently with words.
A dormant world inside your empty heart
Just waiting for this deceiver to be done.
So you can slip away.
And go back to the party.
Where mom’s cocktail dress and drinks are almost gone.
And you can sneak something liquid and dead
To help you feel nothing,
Like no one else could.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doors that lock
From only the inside
A kick stand embrace
I’ll hold you as you hold me.
You’ve got a dirty mouth
Made of love and taste.
You are exactly what I want
And what I will.
A carpet stain
A torn scarlet curtain
No one does to me, like you can.
A shove or push, your love takes all of me
Into this warm everything,
Where all I can do
Is think of loving you.
And I’ll die to this sickness
That makes less sense with every touch
And every moment we kiss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A prefaced heart
You made it clear
You’re one more hand away
From being with me and never outside me.
A body that aches
Dull and empty
From the time you didn’t believe.
Wells run dry
When we don’t fill our lives
With flowers that never wilt
And love that always is.
A little bird, falling from her nest,
You’ve nursed yourself back to health
And suddenly you’re the part of me
That helps me see:
I’m brilliant even in my weakness
I’m loving even in my meekness.
And you have tendered that part of me
That finds life in death
And beauty in my imperfection.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A shame that stays
Never fades or bleeds
Just constantly reminding me
Why I’m here
And why I’m bound to this.
a sickly dog
Leashed to the loneliest tree
Your falling leaves, will be the death of me.
Something more
A word that heals
I am exactly
What I was when you last breathed me in.
When you last
Gave yourself to me.
A sleeping heart
A careless one.
I know what you have without me
And I know exactly what I have without you,
Nothing much, just all of us.
Singular and together, we always are.
So much you, so much me, so much of something
We’ll never know,
But always rejoice about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A carpet burn
An eyelashed shoulder and attention to detail.
I am everything I’ll always be.
With star scarred forearms
And make believe.
I am anything you’ll always need.
A digging deep
Pulled out the parts that dull the truth.
I am nothing more than something you adore.
A two car garage
Oil stains half sided and overused.
You are everything I’ll ever be.
A pen stroke blue
A blurry head and cough syrup sickness.
I will always be yr anything.
And what I am
Is a reflection of you
And embrace made of yr shine
Always and riverlike.
You’re the death/life of me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I knew a boy wrapped in melodies
Of phantom abuse.
A shoulder half out and bruised
Knees bloodied and askew.
I knew a word that rhymed with you
It sounded like hospital knives and date rape drugs.
A sleepy face
Down into yourself
You cannot make a new you
Without taking this sickness.
I knew a gift made of pain
Hidden in eyes that looked half alive,
But mostly half dead.
I knew a hand made mostly of care
It held you tightly
In this memory
Back when you last loved you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A slipping away
Into a sacred falling
An honesty that unravels and reveals
A new birth
That delivers you away from false saviors
A renewed heart
Made of candy necklaces and hummingbirds
Subtly you have flown
Into a future of held-together-ness
By threads of care
Like your mother holding you during a thunderstorm
Like your sister letting you follow her to school.
All the strings that fasten you together
Breathe life into you
And hold you like a prayer.
