sarah

i was home for summer. between my junior and senior
yr of college. my mother and i were sitting on the
patio drinking wine and just listening to the low
flying planes. it was peaceful. more peaceful than
usual, and it was hard to get used to. what i was
used to was her prying in my life. telling me that
all the boys i date are awful, that i'll never be able
to do anything with a fine arts degree, or so help me
when she tries to ask when i am on my period.

as one of the planes faded away, and the roar
slowly dissipated, she starts in. she must have
mistaken my eye contact for an opening for her to
talk. none the less she opened her mouth:

"sarah, you know when i was yr age, you were already
one yr old and yr brother was on the way." she sayed,
or i should say she announced, she always spoke as if
there were cameras or she was on stage. she goes on.

"well, those were different times, not as many girls
were going to college. i can't really say having kids
was something i wanted to do. i mean don't get me
wrong i am glad i did. i look at you tho, and realize
what i should have done. in so many ways sarah, i
envy the hell out of you." this was strange,
something somewhat positve from my mom, well unless
you count the part where she pretty much says she
didn't want to have kids. and just as i tried to say
how much i respect her for being a mother and doing
such a good job at being my mother, she spoke again,
it may have been the wine,

" now sarah, when yr father left us when i was
pregnant with yr sister rene, i was devastated. i was
angry. here i was with three kids and one on the way,
and i was stuck with no one to help me, no one to
love me, no one to care for me. christ sarah i was
sick with hatrid. i hated yr father. and i honestly
don't know how i managed to make ends meet between
working at the grocery store and helping out at yr
school lunch room. i did it tho. but i don't know if
i would have done it again. i don't think i am
envious of what you had to go thru to get where you
are."

"mom, i know it was rough. you were always there for
me, i still remember when you called in sick for me so
we could go down town and go shopping, you remember
that?"

"no dear, i don't. i have tried so hard to forget
everything. because when you all lived at home, all i
did was think about you guys. when did i get my needs
met? who took me out to dinner, who gave me a
birthday present? yr father sent you birthday and
christmas presents every so often, and i got to take
you to get yr braces tightened. i did what i did,
because i had to. i don't know how, and i don't know
why, or that it even matters. it is over. i am sorry
to have brouht it up."

and she walked in the house. she went upstairs to her
bathroom and closed the door. she cried. she cried
and cried. i felt bad. for her and for myself i
guess, maybe i should have been crying too, but fuck
when yr mother tells you she would have not had you if
she had a second chance, it is something so much
deeper than tears. and as much as i wanted to rack my
nails over my mothers face, i realized that her
honesty was beautiful. she was beautiful. yes i
would go back to school, with a new sense of pride. i
was something that should not have been, and i will be
so much more than anyone could have ever thoight. my
mother's second guessing on whether she would have had
me if she had to do it over again, only made me want
to prove anyone in this world that i will walk through
fire in order to change this world.