i dial the phone. i don't even know what i am dialing, the number is so engrained in my head. i am just blindly dialing, kind of stumbling for something to keep me warm, blankets and pillows, i just rest in a fetal position. 'hello, this is bill from such and such crisis number."
"hey bill, it's me ryan."
"ryan, how are you?" bill says this, he is the most thoughtful caring person in my life right now. i am so ashamed about my life, talking to friends or family is completly out of the question. bill doesn't know me, he would never recognize me if he saw me walking down the street or for that matter if i was lying in a casket.
"umm, better. i cut myself."
"are you ok? do you need any medical attention."
"no i'm fine bill."
"what is going on ryan, what can i do for you?"
"i don't know. just talk to me. take my mind off all this. i just don't want to think about all this shit."
"fine. but when is this going to get dealt with?"
"i don't know. i'm so afraid. i just don't know what happens now. i can't live my life for me. i hate myself. i can't work right now. all i want to do is cut myself. all i want to do is sleep. i can't talk to anyone."
"your talking to me."
"true. but you don't know me. all you know is my voice and what i tell you. this is a safe way for me to talk. you don't know all my friends and family."
"alright, you got me. but i know that you are a really caring guy. that you love yr wife even though she doesn't love you."
"bill she loves me, she just isn't in love with me, okay?"
"fine. but ryan, why are you the one alone, crying, cutting, while she is out with her friend. who loves ryan? who helps ryan when he is where he is? it seems like a person that loves another person doesn't let the other do the things you are doing to yrself. even then ryan, you can't depend on her to take this pain from you. it is yours."
"bill i have to go"
"ryan."
"yeah bill."
"be safe."
"i'll try bill."
i hang up.
this is what happens. bill, or whoever starts asking the though questions, and i get defensive. i get afraid. they're right. i know. i just can't quite deal with this right now. i don't feel like i will ever be able to deal with this.
