fact vs fiction vs truth

i hung my towel over the shower rod
another day
another loosening of the skin
i wear
all the dead things
i used to believe in
like you
and your promises
they pour out of you everyday
you say things
you can't own
you believe things
you can't honor
and with all of my everything
i believed too
i still do
but you never follow through
on your delivery
it's me, here, standing, waiting
with arms wide open
it's you
mouth wide open
more words
i've heard before
more promises
you won't be true to
and here's me
still believing
even when i know they won't come true.
and i get dressed
to cover up the dead parts of me
that still believe in whatever your selling
when you call me
and i can't seem to hide from you.

barely soemthing.

you ever wonder about the parts that no one sees
or maybe the parts that just linger and accentuate
but aren't much to bother with?
they never matter
they just make some sort of sense
to this plain story
you are the nail in the wall
holding the painting
you're a dime a dozen
but someone has to do it
your the apostrophe in a sentence
so many little ink marks
no one pays attention
you're so important
yet you're completely replaceable
you are a cog in a wheel
you are a thread in a sweater
a blade of grass on the lawn.

no one cares if you're here
everyone notices when you are gone
until they have found someone
to take your place
you'll never make your mark
when you're barely getting by.

how to die without dying

so many days you were alive
but i couldn't tell
we all came to your bedside
the day you fell asleep
but that wasn't the beginning for me
i remember when you watched me
playing hide and seek
your eyes were hazy and you were shit face drunk
only eight and i knew you were dead
a father's only wish
to see me outlive him
you've been in a coma for 38 years
and now people seem shocked
"like what do we do?"
"what a shame..."
the only question i have for them,
is how can they tell the difference
because your still lying on yr back
getting pumped with shit
and you still are taking our money.

how many people will pay their respects to a man that they disrespect?

bad things come in ones.

i used to be a lot of things
i used to cry when it hurt
now it all feels the same
the pills are all gone
the wounds practically healed
but lullabies don't put me to sleep
and she has already fallen
and here i am
with my collections of self stories
selling the best part of me
to me
I'm a bad liar
when it comes to sales
i don't believe the mirror
or my own mind
telling me i'm worth more than this
sick little words
play in my psychic headphones
telling myself
i could be so much
if it weren't for me.

un-accomplished.

i like to play alive
i have done it for quite some time
i collect fears
like a child collects rocks
so much to accumulate
i hold onto my insecurity
it's what keeps me safe
it's what keeps me from leaving
i make sure my good side's showing all the time
like a 12 year old stuffing her bra when she wakes up
i wish for slow disappearance
like water evaporating
maybe no one will notice
if i slip into myself
so far
i could be an almost
i could be a maybe
i could be barely
and it's just as well
and it's what i sell
trying
trying so hard
i never get anywhere.
what's to say i did
then what would i have to accomplish.

the business of one.

i am the wreck
the words that you say under your breath
sick little sighs
just waiting for you to say goodbye
i don't need another
it's just me
slinging rocks at the stars
the chandelier moon
one day it'll have its way with me
and cut this life
right out of me
and all the days you swore
ended up that you were too much fantasy
and not enough work
well living takes pride and promise
and death imparts the will
of whatever got to me
that day i gave all of that sickness
away to my wrist.

the hand that cradled the cradle

i could hold my hand to the stove
just to frighten the memory
of you
out of me
holy ghosts and make believe
tools sheds and back hands
one more fucking straw
sucking the life from me
maybe you don't know
any better
we all have circuitry
crossed wires
crossed legs and arms
suddenly closet doors
ceilings and floors
every part of this house
gets in the way of me
getting away
from me
hologram hologram
like a falling dream
you hit me
you have chemistry
you made your bed
out of predestined
wiring
you were made this way
that way
i was made too
by you.

infinity minus infinity

when you fall
you could brace yourself
or enjoy the pain
anticipate it
well hold on for the part
where you say i don't know
and i am all wonderful
you are all loving
make us never unmade
make us perfectly unperfect
it's a shame about everything
that isn't us
for it's biology is innately flawed
you and i
hold needles to each others eyes
wash hair in thunderstorms
play tag in parking lots
you and i
make a mole hill out of a tragedy
make a mountain out of barely
let's fall so far again
let's anticipate nothing
it doesn't matter
i'm with you.

the science of we

i swear on my life
i could touch your skin
and feel my hand bleed into you
you're so much a part of me
you are the one that echoes me
in your words your actions
you are to me what i am
you mirror me like i am beauty
you are the parts of me
i can believe in
oh for the swing sets and slides
pushed into the midnight skies
your skin on my skin
learning each other by osmosis
i am to you
what you need to see
breathe me and let me show you
who you are
such beauty, such brilliance
i hope i shine all you are
as much as you are
i try and reflect.

we are each other's cast shadows
perfectly so.

lazy susan

with my foot wedged in the door
i told you
i am holding your child
i am pregnant
broken and ashamed
you folded and let me back in
and with two short breaths
a shot of tequila
you said
i love you
i will be there for you
and i believed you
i swallowed my pride
i made more than this child with you
but it's not worth this baby's life
to watch you watch me
take my life
reproduction is easy
like warm knives
into soft leather
tethers and ropes
holding me down
i can never let you know
how much i hate what i have made of myself
by trying to love you.

auspicious audery

intrinsic light
radiates steel psychic spires
stabbing newness
shimmered by your deliverance
in time we all know everything
with abandon
breathes solace
calm soothing travesties
turning pages
of folded truths
birthing malice
dawns doldrums
made of her repose
she wafts the air
and swallows everything
eventually she expires
with the passing of nigh.

undone.

i am weak
i am done
i have exercised my freedom to choose
by not choosing.
i am the decided
i am foreclosed
i am a blank check
torn in half
i am only what i will
i am free to be
and i am not.
i am only me
by default.

hurting/sustaining

every night
you fall asleep
with me
on your mind
with me
in your heart
i cannot see the light of day
through black fabric over broken blinds
but i know you're out there
i know you're waiting to be here
and everyday
i come home
i lay in the same bed
our bed
and i cry
i fall
and i try to not be so incomplete
but it's all me
without you
can seem to do
what does it mean
to know your touch everyday
to see your smile
every morning
to kiss your lips with every door closing
to feel our bodies as one
when we fall to sleep
i cannot wait to know
all of you
everyday
i will wait
for you
patiently.

it's this longing that hurts
it's this longing that sustains me.

removed recollections.

when i was young
i don't know when
iowa
father, brother, myself
old pick up trucks
farm animals
dogs and sheep
chicks and hens
i was probably five
when we went to a pond
with my father's friend
and his kids
we took our rods
and tackle boxes
casted our poles
and tried our luck
at fishing
i was five
i may have caught me
one two or three
maybe they were THIS big--
when i got home to mom.
i don't know
my memory is remote
i'm so far removed
not just distance
not just time
but
my entire sense
of simplicity
and ease
is gone.
i wish for that
i do.
everyday.
now more than ever.

if only you could be home when i get back from work.

with every sigh
i'll be your reply
with every sneeze
follows the blessing
i can only do so much
from here
with every tumble
i would break your fall
with every pain
i would attempt to ease it
because i can only do so much
from here

and all the days
yeah they are all the same
when you aren't here
when i can't hold you
when i can't be held by you

it's only days away
it's only miles away
even though it feels like a forever
it won't be long
before we are we
for always.

enchantedFUCKINGcastle

the day
the world
didn't matter
indoor mini golf
pink and orange dimpled balls
skee ball
trivia games
tickets
tickets
tickets
yeah you won more
indoor golf
YOU WON TWICE
come back home
i want a rematch!
another lovely unicorn added to our collection
to adorn our walls
photobooth
kisses
cuddles
black and white
so adorable
we went back for seconds
everyday
i look at how happy we are
so goodness
come back
i want more
of us.
bowling
it was a draw
i took the first
you took the second
my thumb fell OFF!
air hockey
i think you won more
god DAMN IT!
it was fun
you like to see me
get hyper
MORTAL KOMBAT
i'm pretty sure i won more
but goodness
maybe it was a tie
i know i sweat MORE
and basketball
well i won that
but then again
who's counting.

come home
i want rematches
not to win
just to play
i miss us.

another time, at our place.

if i crawl into bed today
will you be there?
to wish me away with you
to a far better place
if i lay my head down on the couch
will you be there
to put your head on me
so i can play with your hair
and the easiest days
have become the most difficult days
when you are not home
when you are not here
and most frustrating of all days
could be simple
could be fine
if you were here
to hold my hand
to kiss my check
to remind me
i'm doing fine.
but today
was one of those days
and last week
was one of those weeks
and i start to fret
and i start to break
into whatever i was
when i think
that it could be one of those months
that this life
has gotten the worst of me
all i know
is that i'm better than this
that i am not that which i used to be
but i keep falling into it
i need you here
i need you to remind me
that i am fine
i need it so
because right now
i am not fine.

don't worry i won't be long.

focus collapses
like card houses
eaten by tornadoes
you're living a lie
you are
life irritating art
it's sickening to see
so much i can't believe
you're changing
so much
you can't bare to
stand up
broken propaganda
made of cotton candy
that barely taste
i'm stillborn
and worried
such irony
so much affection
for constant neglection
how do you stand
without spine?
how do you breathe
with no time to exhale?
i've been holding my tongue
for years
just to tell you
goodbye.

sure, i see. now do you?

spilled in
over to
in time we will become everything
you can tell me a secret
i'll be your shoe box under your bed
i keep so well
i stay so well
i'm the blanket you've had since you were three
so worn and gone
but perfect in every way only to you
i'm the night light in the hall way
just barely there
but so much so
you wouldn't know
what to do without me
i'm the limbed bird
spying into your bedroom
happy enough to have captured your beauty
perfectly peaceful
to know
i have found you
there
just waiting
and i will sing
like a tea kettle
and make sure everything is clear
that you're my anything
and wherever i am
i'll be in you.

dont stop not stopping.

in time
we will all lose our taste
our shine
will lose its bright
with the end
nearing
our day will
begin to change
our colours will fade
but in time
you will sing me
no matter how
no matter what
you're the light bulb that never
loses strength
the filament
never breaks
if you never flip the switch off
don't ever stop not stopping
and i'll continue to do the same.